1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,503 Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ 2 00:00:05,046 --> 00:00:07,340 Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ 3 00:00:09,092 --> 00:00:11,344 Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ 4 00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:15,849 Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ 5 00:00:17,183 --> 00:00:19,436 Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ 6 00:00:21,104 --> 00:00:23,106 Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ 7 00:00:26,192 --> 00:00:27,861 Mommy! 8 00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:29,654 {\an8}- Duncan! - Duncan! 9 00:00:33,908 --> 00:00:35,577 Annie. Annie! 10 00:00:35,577 --> 00:00:38,204 {\an8}It's gremlins, and they're eating after midnight! 11 00:00:39,247 --> 00:00:40,749 {\an8} Get outta here! 12 00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:48,006 That's not what I sound like. 13 00:00:51,134 --> 00:00:52,260 {\an8}You guys, scat! 14 00:00:56,973 --> 00:01:01,311 {\an8}Oh, our poor trash. It was so happy in our kitchen. 15 00:01:01,311 --> 00:01:03,855 {\an8}This is all because someone didn't want to pay 16 00:01:03,855 --> 00:01:06,149 {\an8}the extra five dollars for locking lids. 17 00:01:06,149 --> 00:01:09,652 {\an8}Hey, that five dollars got me this raccoon poison 18 00:01:09,652 --> 00:01:11,988 {\an8}that I didn't have the heart to use. 19 00:01:11,988 --> 00:01:14,657 {\an8}Ugh. Can't we just wait until the snow covers it? 20 00:01:14,657 --> 00:01:17,243 {\an8}The longer you complain about it, the longer it doesn't get done. 21 00:01:17,243 --> 00:01:19,829 {\an8}So, if we complain until the snow covers it... 22 00:01:19,829 --> 00:01:21,039 {\an8}Make with the rakes. 23 00:01:21,039 --> 00:01:22,415 Come on. 24 00:01:22,415 --> 00:01:24,376 {\an8}Am I the only one having fun? 25 00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:27,671 Ha! Ha! 26 00:01:27,671 --> 00:01:30,590 Duncan, you accidentally threw away your report card. 27 00:01:30,590 --> 00:01:33,885 "Still struggling with everything." 28 00:01:36,805 --> 00:01:38,139 Going somewhere, Helen? 29 00:01:38,139 --> 00:01:40,725 My older sister had a baby. 30 00:01:40,725 --> 00:01:41,810 A living one? 31 00:01:41,810 --> 00:01:45,230 She means we're just surprised because you're so old, and we-- 32 00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:47,482 How old do you think I am? 33 00:01:47,482 --> 00:01:48,858 200-- 34 00:01:48,858 --> 00:01:52,445 Congratulations to your sister and her miracle child. 35 00:01:52,445 --> 00:01:54,072 You should come with me, Duncan. 36 00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:56,199 You might get baby fever. 37 00:01:56,199 --> 00:01:57,742 Better than raking trash. 38 00:01:57,742 --> 00:02:00,120 Uh, give your sister our best. 39 00:02:01,371 --> 00:02:04,624 All right, everybody. That trash isn't gonna clean itself. 40 00:02:04,624 --> 00:02:06,876 It's the city's problem now. 41 00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:09,838 Well, there goes my day. 42 00:02:12,382 --> 00:02:15,301 Kimberly, look. An adult guy in jorts. 43 00:02:15,301 --> 00:02:17,721 I make $42 an hour. 44 00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:19,305 That's good money, but... 45 00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:21,766 Sorry about them. 46 00:02:21,766 --> 00:02:24,310 Can I help... [laughs] ...you? 47 00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:26,896 I have a package for Helen Diggins, and there's nothing in it I want. 48 00:02:26,896 --> 00:02:28,481 Uh, you can leave it on her porch. 49 00:02:28,481 --> 00:02:29,566 No, Jack. 50 00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:33,737 I just read an article about the scourge of porch pirates in Porch Weekly. 51 00:02:33,737 --> 00:02:35,363 Oh, I love Porch Weekly. 52 00:02:35,363 --> 00:02:36,906 Their crosswords are so hard. 53 00:02:36,906 --> 00:02:38,575 - She's married, dude. - Happily? 54 00:02:38,575 --> 00:02:40,493 Hit the road, shorts. 55 00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:43,997 We'll leave it in the back of the house. Porch pirates hate that. 56 00:02:46,666 --> 00:02:49,711 Arr! The back of the house. 57 00:02:49,711 --> 00:02:52,130 The day is lost, boys. 58 00:02:52,839 --> 00:02:54,257 Arr. 59 00:02:54,257 --> 00:02:56,134 Why are we doing a favor for Helen? 60 00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:58,845 She treats us like crap, and she's always hitting on our son. 61 00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:00,889 Look, she's an awful neighbor and predator, 62 00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:03,099 but that's no reason to not be nice. 63 00:03:03,099 --> 00:03:05,894 You're right, honey. Let's be good neighbors. 64 00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:10,482 Splash? 65 00:03:10,482 --> 00:03:13,234 Helen doesn't own anything that goes "splash." 66 00:03:13,234 --> 00:03:14,652 That was a splash, right? 67 00:03:14,652 --> 00:03:16,821 Oh, I know water, and that was a splash. 68 00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:29,459 So this is what you could buy when you don't have kids? 69 00:03:29,459 --> 00:03:33,838 A TV outside? Well, in all my years... 70 00:03:33,838 --> 00:03:35,799 And there's a deck! 71 00:03:35,799 --> 00:03:39,803 As long as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a deck guy 72 00:03:39,803 --> 00:03:41,971 hosting epic backyard parties. 73 00:03:41,971 --> 00:03:45,475 Inviting everyone in the neighborhood to my home but not in my home. 74 00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:48,937 Flipping burgers, plating burgers, talking burgers, 75 00:03:48,937 --> 00:03:51,898 and then everyone raises their burgers in my honor and yell, 76 00:03:51,898 --> 00:03:54,901 "To Jack! The King of the Deck!" 77 00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:57,445 You've wanted that as long as you can remember? 78 00:03:57,445 --> 00:03:59,280 More than anything. 79 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:02,534 Helen's yard is so much cooler than ours, Mom. 80 00:04:02,534 --> 00:04:03,785 Can we use it while she's gone? 81 00:04:03,785 --> 00:04:06,371 Can we? Can we? Please, Mommy. 82 00:04:06,371 --> 00:04:08,957 Please don't make us go back to that dump. 83 00:04:08,957 --> 00:04:10,792 Our yard isn't that bad. 84 00:04:18,133 --> 00:04:22,887 I'm Helen Diggins, and it's five o'clock somewhere. 85 00:04:27,017 --> 00:04:28,935 Previously on Teen Housewives... 86 00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:33,898 Kimberly, come on. We're outdoors now. You know you've gotta turn it up. 87 00:04:34,607 --> 00:04:37,819 {\an8}Tylan, I have to take our son to his soccer practice, 88 00:04:37,819 --> 00:04:41,448 and then you have to take me to my soccer practice. 89 00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:43,408 But, Brendell, my bike only seats two. 90 00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:47,579 That does it. I'm serving you papers at semiformal. 91 00:04:47,579 --> 00:04:50,498 Those two, always on the rocks. 92 00:04:52,834 --> 00:04:57,380 Oh, man. This is the kinda resistance you just can't get on land. 93 00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:03,428 - How long was that? - Four seconds. 94 00:05:03,428 --> 00:05:04,763 Yes! New record. 95 00:05:04,763 --> 00:05:07,766 Dunkie, you remember the first time I took you swimming? 96 00:05:07,766 --> 00:05:10,852 Yes. You tell this story, like, 50 times a day. 97 00:05:10,852 --> 00:05:13,188 The beach was packed for Fourth of July. 98 00:05:13,188 --> 00:05:16,399 You walked into the lake, a fish brushed against your foot, 99 00:05:16,399 --> 00:05:19,861 and you screamed, "Mommy!" and you ran out of the water. 100 00:05:19,861 --> 00:05:20,945 I was there, Mom. 101 00:05:20,945 --> 00:05:23,031 I'm not done. 102 00:05:23,031 --> 00:05:26,493 But your trunks were too big, so they came right off. 103 00:05:26,493 --> 00:05:30,038 And there it was, your itty-bitty, teeny-weeny button. 104 00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:32,248 For all of Oakdale to see. 105 00:05:32,248 --> 00:05:33,541 Remember that, Jack? 106 00:05:33,541 --> 00:05:35,126 Remember what, honey? 107 00:05:35,126 --> 00:05:38,046 The beach was packed for the Fourth of July. 108 00:05:38,046 --> 00:05:40,298 Dunkie walked into the lake, and a fish-- 109 00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:43,468 Oh! All of Oakdale saw Duncan's button. 110 00:05:48,807 --> 00:05:49,808 Sup? 111 00:05:49,808 --> 00:05:53,687 Whoa, man. Where are you? Hawaii? Oh, I'm jealous. 112 00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:57,232 Huh? Oh, yeah. Any time you guys don't see me, I'm in Hawaii. 113 00:05:58,942 --> 00:06:01,319 Are we hearing the same fire truck? 114 00:06:01,319 --> 00:06:05,573 What? No, uh-- I don't know. Some dude's grass skirt is burning. 115 00:06:05,573 --> 00:06:07,742 You know I track you on my phone, right? 116 00:06:07,742 --> 00:06:08,910 That's Ms. Diggins's yard. 117 00:06:08,910 --> 00:06:10,912 She invites me over to talk about you a lot. 118 00:06:10,912 --> 00:06:15,917 Okay, Old Lady Diggins is gone, so me and my family are "parasiting" her. 119 00:06:15,917 --> 00:06:18,169 You look kinda cool by firelight, Duncan. 120 00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:20,088 Makes you look like you have cheekbones. 121 00:06:20,088 --> 00:06:22,340 I mean, I know they're not there, but still. 122 00:06:22,340 --> 00:06:24,676 Yeah, you look like Willem Dafoe. 123 00:06:24,676 --> 00:06:26,553 Oh, yeah, total Willem Dafoe. 124 00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:29,597 Ladies, ladies. Can we go a day without Dafoe? 125 00:06:30,181 --> 00:06:31,016 Hmm. 126 00:06:31,016 --> 00:06:34,686 Kimber, can you take over the grill while these firemen put me out? 127 00:06:34,686 --> 00:06:36,563 Sweet deck you got here. 128 00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:37,689 You think so? 129 00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:41,526 Oh, yeah. I'd trade the lust of every married woman in town for this. 130 00:06:41,526 --> 00:06:42,610 Hey, Annie. 131 00:06:42,610 --> 00:06:43,778 Hi, Lance. 132 00:06:45,864 --> 00:06:49,701 Okay, we all had a fun day trespassing in our neighbor's yard. Time for bed. 133 00:06:49,701 --> 00:06:50,869 What about our baths? 134 00:06:50,869 --> 00:06:54,122 That's the beauty of a pool. Chlorine is nature's soap. 135 00:06:54,122 --> 00:06:56,124 Is it also nature's toothpaste? 136 00:06:56,124 --> 00:06:58,126 It's nature's everything. Good night. 137 00:06:58,126 --> 00:06:59,711 - Whoo-hoo! - Yeah! 138 00:06:59,711 --> 00:07:02,714 Slow down, big boy. We're going skinny-dipping. 139 00:07:02,714 --> 00:07:05,467 Wow. I thought no bath was exciting. 140 00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:08,261 You grab the wine, I'll grab my skinny-dipping T-shirt. 141 00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:09,763 I'm having a body judgment day. 142 00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:13,141 But everything else is gonna be free and floating towards ya. 143 00:07:22,359 --> 00:07:26,071 -Sup? - Just chilling my cheekbones by the fire. 144 00:07:27,822 --> 00:07:29,574 Wait. Duncan, are you still inside? 145 00:07:29,574 --> 00:07:31,284 I made my own firepit. 146 00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:32,410 Open a window! 147 00:07:32,410 --> 00:07:35,413 Are you as sleepy as I am? 148 00:07:35,413 --> 00:07:38,416 You're getting carbon monoxide poisoning. Stomp it out! 149 00:07:39,042 --> 00:07:40,627 I'll call you right back. 150 00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:42,087 Ow! Fire bad. 151 00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:46,508 Pool loving and I'm feeling sexy ♪ 152 00:07:46,508 --> 00:07:50,261 ♪ I got a T-shirt And it's down to my knees ♪ 153 00:07:59,437 --> 00:08:02,190 Take me to the deep end, Daddy. 154 00:08:05,276 --> 00:08:07,112 What are you doing here? 155 00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:09,531 Firepit cheekbones. Why are you naked? 156 00:08:09,531 --> 00:08:13,034 Hope you brought the skinny 'cause I brought the dip. 157 00:08:13,034 --> 00:08:14,744 Oh! 158 00:08:19,958 --> 00:08:21,584 Poor Dunkie. 159 00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:23,878 Why was it so important to go skinny-dipping? 160 00:08:23,878 --> 00:08:28,133 Why didn't I wear a weird, oversized MandM's store man-dress like you? 161 00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:29,843 Honey, don't beat yourself up. 162 00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:33,930 You were naked and mistakenly propositioned your son. It happens. 163 00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:36,016 But he looked so traumatized. 164 00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:40,437 Like that time at Disneyland when he saw Jiminy Cricket smoking in the men's room. 165 00:08:40,437 --> 00:08:41,604 Relax, Annie. 166 00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:44,858 Kids see so much crazy stuff on the Internet these days, 167 00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:46,359 it washes right over 'em. 168 00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:53,700 I'm not my mother's daddy. I'm not my mother's daddy. 169 00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:55,452 Oh, why isn't this working? 170 00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:57,954 I'm tear-free, Daddy. 171 00:09:01,666 --> 00:09:04,085 I'm a three-way bulb. 172 00:09:04,085 --> 00:09:05,962 Why are you telling me that? 173 00:09:09,674 --> 00:09:11,885 Thank God. A G-rated room. 174 00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:13,470 - Can I sleep in here? - Sure. 175 00:09:13,470 --> 00:09:14,554 Wanna play Barbies? 176 00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:15,972 Today is laundry day. 177 00:09:16,806 --> 00:09:18,933 My delicates are in the wash. 178 00:09:22,354 --> 00:09:24,439 I see trauma. 179 00:09:28,943 --> 00:09:31,154 Come on, Mom. It's our last day with Helen's yard. 180 00:09:31,154 --> 00:09:32,530 We're having a pool party. 181 00:09:32,530 --> 00:09:36,076 Yeah. Everyone's gonna be there. Bradley, Lil Joey... 182 00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:38,453 Uh, that's all the people I know. 183 00:09:38,453 --> 00:09:41,122 I'm not really in a bathing suit mood today. 184 00:09:41,122 --> 00:09:44,084 Is this about Duncan seeing you naked? Dad told us. You definitely scarred him. 185 00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:45,210 To the deck. 186 00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:47,879 - Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Whoo-hoo! - Whoo! 187 00:09:48,963 --> 00:09:51,132 Come on, honey. Helen'll be home in a few hours, 188 00:09:51,132 --> 00:09:53,468 and this is my only chance to be King of the Deck. 189 00:09:53,468 --> 00:09:55,595 They might even burger toast me. 190 00:09:55,595 --> 00:10:00,016 Sorry, but I don't want my naked encounter with Duncan to become a thing between us. 191 00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:02,602 He has to come down those stairs sometime. 192 00:10:12,696 --> 00:10:15,573 My own son can't even look at me. 193 00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:17,200 Yeah, devastating. 194 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:20,161 Anyhoo, if you change your mind about my deck party, I got jarts. 195 00:10:20,161 --> 00:10:22,497 They're illegal. 196 00:10:25,917 --> 00:10:28,545 So you saw your mom full-frontal? 197 00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:29,671 And my dad's ass. 198 00:10:29,671 --> 00:10:30,839 No! 199 00:10:30,839 --> 00:10:33,133 And then my mom ran to get a towel, 200 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:36,011 but that just activated the backyard spotlight. 201 00:10:36,011 --> 00:10:39,180 Slow down. So you saw your mom's everything? 202 00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:40,890 Everything. 203 00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:44,352 Sometimes it can help to talk about these things. Slowly. 204 00:10:44,352 --> 00:10:45,603 I know it was a shock, 205 00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:48,356 but it's kinda cute your parents still have romantic rendezvous. 206 00:10:49,274 --> 00:10:52,444 What? I'm just tryna put a nice spin on a gross story. 207 00:10:52,444 --> 00:10:54,446 I'll get over this eventually, right? 208 00:10:54,446 --> 00:10:56,823 Oh, no. This is gonna jack you up for life. 209 00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:59,367 Yeah. You can't unsee your mom's Frisbees. 210 00:10:59,367 --> 00:11:01,786 I saw my mom naked once, and I tell everyone I meet. 211 00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:03,121 Would you like to meet my mom? 212 00:11:03,121 --> 00:11:06,041 Get outta here, man. I've warned you so many times. 213 00:11:06,541 --> 00:11:09,294 I'm just gonna avoid her until I go to college. 214 00:11:09,294 --> 00:11:11,963 Oh, no! I'm gonna have to go to college. 215 00:11:13,381 --> 00:11:17,802 Okay, burgers cooking, beers chilling, potato salad spoiling. 216 00:11:17,802 --> 00:11:19,387 Am I forgetting anything, Kimber? 217 00:11:19,387 --> 00:11:21,723 - Uh, fun? - What do you mean? 218 00:11:22,474 --> 00:11:24,267 This party sucks, Dad. 219 00:11:24,267 --> 00:11:25,935 Everyone's just standing around. 220 00:11:25,935 --> 00:11:28,438 Jing's making small talk with Mayor Jen. 221 00:11:28,438 --> 00:11:31,900 Anyway, that's the summer my husband left me for a man. 222 00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:32,984 What's your deal? 223 00:11:32,984 --> 00:11:34,819 I can talk like a robot. 224 00:11:34,819 --> 00:11:36,529 Beep beep boop bop! 225 00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:37,739 I don't care for that. 226 00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:42,577 I hope someone's house catches fire so I can leave without being rude. 227 00:11:42,577 --> 00:11:44,788 You and me both, beefcake. 228 00:11:44,788 --> 00:11:47,123 I thought your dream was to be a weird deck guy. 229 00:11:47,123 --> 00:11:50,794 It is. That's why I did everything in this book. 230 00:11:50,794 --> 00:11:52,420 Gimme that. 231 00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:57,050 The problem is you have a big deck, but you don't have big deck energy. 232 00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:58,843 You are saying "deck," right? 233 00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:00,178 Uh-huh. 234 00:12:00,178 --> 00:12:03,014 ♪ Never charge for booze Give 'em free tattoos ♪ 235 00:12:03,014 --> 00:12:05,684 ♪ Everything is all included Music never should be muted ♪ 236 00:12:05,684 --> 00:12:07,435 Big deck energy ♪ 237 00:12:08,186 --> 00:12:09,813 Big deck energy ♪ 238 00:12:10,689 --> 00:12:13,233 ♪ Cornhole in the yard With Kareem Abdul-Jabbar ♪ 239 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,610 ♪ Telling all the ladies That your deck is big and hard ♪ 240 00:12:15,610 --> 00:12:17,404 Big deck energy ♪ 241 00:12:18,363 --> 00:12:20,156 Big deck energy ♪ 242 00:12:20,699 --> 00:12:23,410 ♪ Wanna be a Deck Guy Gotta play the part ♪ 243 00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:25,954 ♪ Get this party going Ow! Was that a jart? ♪ 244 00:12:25,954 --> 00:12:28,581 ♪ Hey, everybody Look up here at me ♪ 245 00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:31,084 ♪ I finally got Big deck energy ♪ 246 00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:33,712 Cannonball! 247 00:12:33,712 --> 00:12:35,755 Big deck energy ♪ 248 00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:38,258 Big deck energy ♪ 249 00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:39,551 Ya feel me? ♪ 250 00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:46,975 Duncan, it's me. We need to talk. 251 00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:48,143 Are you decent? 252 00:12:48,143 --> 00:12:51,730 Oh, I'm wearing my butt-crack leggings. Hold on a sec. 253 00:12:51,730 --> 00:12:55,608 I think we should talk so things don't get weird between us. 254 00:12:56,234 --> 00:12:57,736 Oh, for Pete's sake, Dunkie. 255 00:12:57,736 --> 00:12:59,779 I know it was strange because I'm your mom, 256 00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:02,407 but if we were of the Swedish culture, 257 00:13:02,407 --> 00:13:04,784 we would see each other naked all the time. 258 00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:07,412 In the sauna, at dinner, at Ikea. 259 00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:10,832 Mom, you're ruining Ikea. You know that's my favorite restaurant. 260 00:13:10,832 --> 00:13:14,002 You know, cavemen would see their moms naked all the time. 261 00:13:14,002 --> 00:13:15,754 Did you think about the cavemen, Duncan? 262 00:13:15,754 --> 00:13:17,589 Of course I thought about the cavemen! 263 00:13:17,589 --> 00:13:20,008 You're making a big deal out of nothing. 264 00:13:20,008 --> 00:13:23,636 This'll just be one of your many funny, embarrassing stories 265 00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:26,765 that you enjoy me telling to total strangers. 266 00:13:26,765 --> 00:13:27,849 Please leave. 267 00:13:27,849 --> 00:13:31,311 {\an8}Okay, but I'm gonna leave this book of Renaissance paintings 268 00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:34,189 {\an8}- in case you're curious about-- - Just go! 269 00:13:35,899 --> 00:13:38,777 Hey, Siri. How do I get something horrible out of my head? 270 00:13:38,777 --> 00:13:42,530 There are six jart removal locations nearby. 271 00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:44,449 No! Seeing my mom naked. 272 00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:46,117 Searching "naked moms." 273 00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:47,952 No! [sighs] Just forget it. 274 00:13:47,952 --> 00:13:49,621 Searching "forget it." 275 00:13:49,621 --> 00:13:52,207 Whoa. That's it. 276 00:13:55,752 --> 00:13:57,337 Dunkie! 277 00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:58,672 Leave me alone. 278 00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:05,595 Wow, naked mom at the pool. 279 00:14:05,595 --> 00:14:08,682 Well, Freud said trauma starts with the mama. 280 00:14:08,682 --> 00:14:11,685 Whatever. Just help me stop seeing my mom's Frisbees. 281 00:14:11,685 --> 00:14:13,687 Okay, but before I wipe the memory, 282 00:14:13,687 --> 00:14:16,856 you must read these seven pages of risks and sign it-- 283 00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:18,942 - Wipe me. - It's not that simple. 284 00:14:18,942 --> 00:14:20,985 You must find the memory of your mother, 285 00:14:20,985 --> 00:14:23,446 and remove it without disturbing the others. 286 00:14:23,446 --> 00:14:25,365 Memories are interconnected. 287 00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:27,242 Like this metal pin on my chair. 288 00:14:27,242 --> 00:14:30,203 You pull it out, the whole thing collapses. 289 00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:33,206 I gotta think of another way to demonstrate that. 290 00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:35,375 Yeah, yeah. If I need to remember something important, 291 00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:37,210 Facebook will send me a notification. 292 00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:38,962 You want your 20 bucks or not? 293 00:14:43,842 --> 00:14:46,052 You're in a hallway lined with doors. 294 00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:49,431 Behind each door are your most significant memories. 295 00:14:49,431 --> 00:14:52,017 "Largest poops." 296 00:14:52,017 --> 00:14:55,145 Don't get distracted. Find the door that says "Mom." 297 00:14:57,355 --> 00:14:58,815 Got it. Hi-yah! 298 00:14:58,815 --> 00:14:59,983 Kick! 299 00:14:59,983 --> 00:15:01,943 Are those too tight in the crotch? 300 00:15:03,153 --> 00:15:04,904 - Zip me up, Dunkie. - Blast! 301 00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:07,032 Someone's going through puberty. 302 00:15:07,032 --> 00:15:08,491 And that's where babies come from. 303 00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:09,784 Suppository! 304 00:15:09,784 --> 00:15:10,869 Nocturnal emission-- 305 00:15:10,869 --> 00:15:13,204 Take me to the deep end, Daddy. 306 00:15:13,747 --> 00:15:15,290 Die, memory! Die! 307 00:15:15,874 --> 00:15:16,875 Hot flash. 308 00:15:16,875 --> 00:15:19,044 Just use the girls' room-- 309 00:15:19,044 --> 00:15:20,712 Teeny-weeny button. Kiss your grandma. 310 00:15:20,712 --> 00:15:22,589 Butt-crack leggings. Crunchy sock? 311 00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:23,882 Foreskin! 312 00:15:23,882 --> 00:15:26,801 Yeah! Smoked her. Buh-bam! 313 00:15:26,801 --> 00:15:28,970 Dude, you gotta release this for PlayStation. 314 00:15:28,970 --> 00:15:31,056 - Am I cured? - That depends. 315 00:15:31,056 --> 00:15:33,224 What do these Frisbees make you think of? 316 00:15:33,808 --> 00:15:34,809 Uh, dogs? 317 00:15:34,809 --> 00:15:36,144 You're cured. 318 00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:39,898 Yes! You saved my life. And I got this sweet key chain. 319 00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:44,736 Is this the jart removal place? 320 00:15:44,736 --> 00:15:46,196 No, that's next door. 321 00:15:46,196 --> 00:15:47,781 All right. Thank you. 322 00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:54,287 Deck Guy says move right ♪ 323 00:15:54,788 --> 00:15:56,623 Deck Guy says move left ♪ 324 00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:58,291 Deck Guy keeps it tight ♪ 325 00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:00,877 Deck Guy, he don't mess ♪ 326 00:16:00,877 --> 00:16:03,129 - Deck Guy ♪ - Touch the sky ♪ 327 00:16:04,214 --> 00:16:07,050 I love dancing to songs that have instructions. 328 00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:09,052 You're white, Jack. Of course you do. 329 00:16:09,052 --> 00:16:10,387 Dad, I'm so proud of you. 330 00:16:10,387 --> 00:16:13,014 I'm gonna do something I've never done before. 331 00:16:13,014 --> 00:16:15,600 Hey, everyone, this is my dad! 332 00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:20,397 All right, everyone raise your burgers in the air. 333 00:16:20,397 --> 00:16:24,609 Oh, my God. Here it comes. The burger toast. 334 00:16:24,609 --> 00:16:27,153 To my man, Jack, the King of the-- 335 00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:29,197 Hey! Are you Big Deck Jack? 336 00:16:29,197 --> 00:16:30,907 If the apron fits... 337 00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:33,535 We saw your party on Porch Weekly's Instagram feed. 338 00:16:33,535 --> 00:16:34,619 Okay if we join? 339 00:16:34,619 --> 00:16:35,745 Sure! 340 00:16:35,745 --> 00:16:38,456 I'll throw two more "portobells" on the rack. 341 00:16:38,456 --> 00:16:40,542 Hey! The old jerk said okay! 342 00:16:44,629 --> 00:16:45,630 Uh-oh. 343 00:16:45,630 --> 00:16:47,090 We're gonna need a bigger deck. 344 00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:50,927 Sup, Mom? What's for lunch? 345 00:16:50,927 --> 00:16:52,012 Sandwich-- 346 00:16:52,012 --> 00:16:54,556 W-Wait. Duncan, you're looking at me. 347 00:16:54,556 --> 00:16:56,266 Yeah, why wouldn't I? 348 00:16:56,266 --> 00:16:57,350 Extra mayo, please. 349 00:16:57,350 --> 00:17:00,020 So the incident over at Helen's... 350 00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:04,774 Oh, I know something happened but can't remember what it was, so we cool. 351 00:17:05,275 --> 00:17:08,945 Oh, Dunkie. It is so nice to have my baby boy back. 352 00:17:08,945 --> 00:17:13,074 I was worried we were never gonna have any fun times together again. 353 00:17:13,074 --> 00:17:16,244 Like that Fourth of July. The beach was packed. 354 00:17:16,244 --> 00:17:19,998 You walked into the lake, and a fish brushed against your foot, and-- 355 00:17:19,998 --> 00:17:23,043 - Hey. You're not rolling your eyes at me. - Why would I? 356 00:17:23,043 --> 00:17:25,253 You heard it a million times, and you hate it. 357 00:17:25,253 --> 00:17:26,629 What's wrong with you? 358 00:17:26,629 --> 00:17:31,634 Nothing. I just paid some brain dude to let me go ham on memories I don't want. 359 00:17:31,634 --> 00:17:33,136 "Go ham." 360 00:17:33,136 --> 00:17:36,181 You went ham on your brain? 361 00:17:36,181 --> 00:17:38,725 So do you remember what happened at your sixth birthday party? 362 00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:39,893 I turned six? 363 00:17:39,893 --> 00:17:44,064 No! The clown scared you, and I beat him with his giant shoe! 364 00:17:44,064 --> 00:17:47,317 And you started giggling and clapping, and it was adorable. 365 00:17:47,317 --> 00:17:49,694 Sounds funny. Wish I was there. 366 00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:51,196 You were there. 367 00:17:51,196 --> 00:17:54,824 Oh, my God. You destroyed our memories. 368 00:17:54,824 --> 00:17:57,327 Just the embarrassing ones. Who cares? 369 00:17:57,327 --> 00:17:58,495 I care! 370 00:17:58,495 --> 00:18:01,748 After I saved you from that fish on the Fourth of July, 371 00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:03,500 you colored me a thank-you note, 372 00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:07,087 and it was the first time you ever wrote, "I love you, Mommy." 373 00:18:08,338 --> 00:18:10,423 I called it a "pish." 374 00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:13,760 Those moments embarrass you now because you're a teenager. 375 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:17,222 But they're precious. You would've seen that one day. 376 00:18:17,222 --> 00:18:21,142 You just didn't erase memories, you erased us! 377 00:18:23,228 --> 00:18:26,064 My first new memory, and it sucks. 378 00:18:27,732 --> 00:18:30,360 Helen's gonna be home any minute. Everybody, please go. 379 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:34,406 And if you could each just pick up one piece of trash on the way out... 380 00:18:38,118 --> 00:18:41,830 I know we should do something about that, but my shift ended five minutes ago. 381 00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:43,832 Whoa! 382 00:18:45,667 --> 00:18:46,751 Ow! 383 00:18:46,751 --> 00:18:48,003 Dad, do something! 384 00:18:48,003 --> 00:18:50,588 Mr. Mitch, how do I stop this party? 385 00:18:50,588 --> 00:18:53,925 Sorry, I just know how to get 'em started. Stopping 'em is a cop thing. 386 00:18:55,010 --> 00:18:59,431 Excuse me. College kids, bad news: I-I gotta shut it down. 387 00:18:59,431 --> 00:19:02,350 Shut it down? I thought you were Big Deck Jack. 388 00:19:02,350 --> 00:19:04,269 You're right. Carry on. 389 00:19:08,606 --> 00:19:10,442 She's going down! 390 00:19:10,442 --> 00:19:12,110 Thank you for having us! 391 00:19:12,110 --> 00:19:13,194 Jump, Dad! 392 00:19:13,194 --> 00:19:16,114 No. I've got to go down with the deck. 393 00:19:22,162 --> 00:19:23,371 Helen's home! 394 00:19:23,371 --> 00:19:26,416 - What do we do? - There's only one thing we can do. 395 00:19:26,416 --> 00:19:27,500 Run like hell? 396 00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,419 Language, and yes! 397 00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:36,092 You wiped all my childhood memories, and now my mom is sobbing into a sandwich. 398 00:19:36,092 --> 00:19:38,970 No, you wiped your childhood memories. 399 00:19:38,970 --> 00:19:42,265 What did I say about pulling the pin in the chair, Duncan? Ow! 400 00:19:42,265 --> 00:19:44,934 I know, I know, but you put your chair back together, right? 401 00:19:44,934 --> 00:19:47,187 No, I buy a new one every time. 402 00:19:47,187 --> 00:19:49,022 There has to be something I can do. 403 00:19:49,022 --> 00:19:52,275 There may be one way, but it's highly controversial. 404 00:19:52,275 --> 00:19:53,651 I'll do anything! 405 00:19:54,778 --> 00:19:55,779 I have to do what? 406 00:20:01,993 --> 00:20:04,662 Did you lose your mind with those memories? 407 00:20:04,662 --> 00:20:08,291 I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I felt awful that I made you cry, 408 00:20:08,291 --> 00:20:11,044 and the doctor said the only way to get my memories back 409 00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:13,713 was to re-create the horror of seeing you naked. 410 00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:15,298 Did it work? 411 00:20:15,298 --> 00:20:19,552 It was the Fourth of July, beach was packed. 412 00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:21,805 That's right. Then what happened? 413 00:20:21,805 --> 00:20:24,307 A pish touched my foot. 414 00:20:24,307 --> 00:20:25,517 Uh-huh? 415 00:20:25,517 --> 00:20:30,563 I ran out of the water, lost my shorts, and everyone saw my 416 00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:32,732 - itty-bitty, teeny-weeny button. - Itty-bitty, teeny-weeny button. 417 00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:35,318 - Dunkie, you did it! - I 'membered! 418 00:20:35,318 --> 00:20:37,737 So that's why you barged into my shower. 419 00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:42,200 Thank you so much for that touching and intrusive gesture. 420 00:20:43,576 --> 00:20:46,996 Hey, can this be a story we just keep to ourselves until we die? 421 00:20:46,996 --> 00:20:49,374 Oh, yeah. I'm not even telling your dad. 422 00:20:51,459 --> 00:20:55,797 Okay, Helen, we're walking down a long flight of stairs, 423 00:20:55,797 --> 00:20:59,300 and when we get to the bottom, we're gonna be inside your mind. 424 00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:00,260 Okay. 425 00:21:00,260 --> 00:21:02,762 {\an8}Dad, do you really think this is gonna work? 426 00:21:02,762 --> 00:21:05,348 {\an8}The only other option we have is to move or kill Helen, 427 00:21:05,348 --> 00:21:07,225 {\an8}and your mom said no to both. 428 00:21:07,225 --> 00:21:10,061 {\an8}Your deck was destroyed by a meteor, 429 00:21:10,061 --> 00:21:14,399 {\an8}and you wanna build an even bigger and better one to share with your neighbors. 430 00:21:14,399 --> 00:21:15,734 {\an8}Okay. 431 00:21:15,734 --> 00:21:19,821 {\an8}And you give us presents on Christmas and every day just because. 432 00:21:19,821 --> 00:21:21,239 {\an8}Okay. 433 00:21:21,239 --> 00:21:24,743 {\an8}You'll let me throw my Sweet 16 here and my Dirty 30. 434 00:21:24,743 --> 00:21:26,161 {\an8}Okay. 435 00:21:26,161 --> 00:21:28,913 {\an8}And you're no longer attracted to Duncan. 436 00:21:28,913 --> 00:21:30,373 {\an8}Like hell.